Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Worthy blogging moment!

Just chilling in bed, reading Enduring Love you know how it is, retakes for exams! Well anyway, this thought popped into my head, which I am not sharing, but I just thought "man, I love that I have two mint people in my life", see.. it's like I have NO secret, because one of them will know what the other one doesn't. Which means I've always got someone I can talk to about something. It's great. Man, I love my friends today. I just love life. Except for the fact that I have to retake an AS English exam, well I don't HAVE to, but it's necessary! This means I have to get into reading Tennyson, Keats, Enduring Love and Great Gatsby. Thing about this is, one of these texts I'm very happy about reading again, Great Gatsby, great being the word! Shame about the other ones!
Anyway, I'm tired and have to finish this chapter, I'd just got excited and distracted so thought blogging was necessary!

Thursday, 24 February 2011

These are the thoughts that are on my mind, moments that haven't yet been defined.

You know what you spend so much time with someone and you start feeling what they feel. No me neither, but I have noticed that sometimes when my friends hurt, I seem to feel a bit sad for them. Not quite sure how to explain this one. But well one of my friends seemed a bit upset tonight, and I just wanted to... take her pain away.. and then once I'd left I started feeling sad.. for no reason other than because she was. It's getting a bit sad really. Sad in a pathetic way, not an upset way! By that I mean me, not her.

I went through texts on my old phone the other day, my god was that a mistake! After seeing them I started to realise that a break down of friendship was as much my fault as someone else's. But I suppose..I just wanted to believe it was all their fault. I imagine this person would know who I was talking about if they read this, so just in case I'd like to apologise, just for blaming you entirely. I've realised, I did make it awkward too. I've no way to justify this, I was just hurting and was taking it out on you, cos you were the closest person. I guess I blamed you for the hurt too. Wish we could go back to how things were back then, when we used to talk and it used to flow. It'll never be the same though, sounds dramatic.. but too much has changed. I'm just sorry.

My eyes are close to sleep I just felt like I needed to write these thoughts down. This is why I used this title to the blog, not only is it one of my favourite songs but it expresses how I feel perfectly at the moment.
I've written it down because it seemed so hard to say it.

Friday, 18 February 2011

That happy feeling,,

that's there.. even when you say bye.

Still not sleeping too well. This is probably made obvious by the fact it's ya know.. quarter past two. I'm not phased, I know I'm going to drag myself out of bed for the world of education tomorrow morning. Learning is most favouritist! That's not 100% true, but it's alright. Especially with the teachers I have. They just make things so interesting. This is probably the happiest I've been in.. well at least a week. I was going to say two then, but I remembered how I felt quite happy for a few hours on Saturday night. Honestly, I have some of the best friends. Definitely feel a bit dorky writing this, especially as it's for no one but me really. But it's a bit of release, and if I'm lucky, by the time I'm finished rambling on I'll be about ready to sleep..hopefully.

Went to London yesterday, it hurts me to say it, but I've actually come to quite like certain things about that place. I don't like the tube, in fact I really do dislike it a lot. But I'm willing to endure the pain of being down there, if in turn I get to see pretty things. Oh the reason we got taken there was for a 6th form trip, basically they have no money. But some how get given a shed load of money for ridiculous activities that are supposedly 'beneficial' to our education. This may have been true if they forced us to see things which were related to our chosen A-levels. However, they are foolish and did not. I chose to go to the Science Museum and the Tate Modern.

The day didn't go as planned, as ever with our sham of a school. But it was okay, we got to see somethings. So how many things didn't go to plan? Far too many. As always with our London trips, traffic was horrendous, meaning that we were running about an hour and a half late. We can deal with that it's fine.. but obviously it took far too long to get to the Science Museum, which was supposed to be our 'Morning activity', by this time it was about ten to one... maybe? I'm not 100% sure on the times. But we basically got to spend about 50 minutes in there. And everyone knows to do any museum in London properly you really need to spend all day in there, and for it to be worth the visit at least a few hours. We basically.. wasted time going there. But it's okay, I now know that it's a place worth going properly, and probably will treat myself to a trip there one day. Okay so in between our trip to the Science Museum was a trip to Covent Garden for some lunch, which was a bit.. well pointless. It was a bit more time wasting. Not much to say about that, but eventually we set off from there to go to the Tate.

Now, my favourite thing about the entire day was walking across a bridge which I think was the Millennium Bridge. Never thought I'd say this about any part of London, but it was quite beautiful. I discovered I'd quite like to go back there too. As I walked across it I felt inspired. Which is so 'gay', but honestly I did. Unfortunately at the end of the bridge I came to a most pretentious place, now I'm not completely closed minded, but serious some of the shit they can call art. I appreciated a few things in there, but the bullshit they can come up with and call art makes me a bit frustrated. Only because anyone could do it. One piece was called "Mirror on Canvas", I'm pretty sure you can guess what it was. As I walked past I couldn't help but laugh to myself at the ridiculousness of it all. One particular piece of 'art' I was quite 'moved' by or what ever these folks say was a piece called "Incommunicado" by  Mona Hatoum. It was still a bit pretentious in all honesty. But I liked that it made me feel something. Basically, it's a metal cot, nothing wrong with that right? Well this resembled a prison cell which is odd enough, but then the bottom of it instead of there being poles where you'd lay the mattress, there was cheese wire. If that's not cold enough, it's in a room which is practically empty, which gave me a terrible sense of loneliness. I wasn't really sure what all this was about, so obviously I went and read the little board that tells me how I'm supposed to interpret it, was quite interesting really. Apparently all these thing suggest child abuse.

Stolen straight off the Tate Modern website, hope they don't mind. Yeah, so basically my point was, it's full of pretentious crap. Evidently I don't appreciate these things because I'm not an 'arty' person. Sometimes I'm a bit gutted about that, have no creativity and all that. But I dunno, maybe it's a good thing.

Anyway, after traipsing around London yesterday after I'd got up at half past 6 I got home shattered. It's the only way to describe it. So come 12 I was asleep, and my was it a good sleep. Deepest sleep I've had for a long time, so deep I woke up in a state of confusion. I spent my entire morning believing it was Wednesday. It wasn't until I'd been at school for half an hour and was about to go to my lesson, that I realised it wasn't actually Wednesday and was actually Thursday. Now this wouldn't be so bad, but on a Thursday I have one lesson all day, my teacher had already told us on Tuesday he wasn't going to be there as he was on a course. So basically, I went to 6th form for no reason today, I even stayed there until 3. Ridiculousness. It was okay though, today has been a good day, the best day I've had for a bit. I've had a few moments of being a bit "blerghh", but they quickly past and I got a grip. So all in all, good.

Now it's nearly 3 (obviously spent far too long writing this.) and I should really be getting to sleep else I'll be very tired and grumpy tomorrow. Hopefully it'll be as good as today, or even better. I hope it's better. Some good news would be great! Let's hope ay!

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

I cannot let you inside my cell for fear i'll sink the ship and drag us both down.

I can't sleep. It's a common thing these days, it's pretty poor. Not exactly the healthiest soul at the moment, I'd love to blame that on the month of Veganism, but I think it's pure coincidence! Unlucky you narrow minded carnivores! haha

I had a miserable day today, not 100% why, but I did come to release I spend too much time being a good friend to a few people who possibly (in fact, I'm 98% sure.) wouldn't do the same for me. Surprisingly, the two people that seemed to actually be bothered I was upset today were people I wouldn't necessarily call my closest friends, maybe that means I need to have a closer look at those people I call buddies. Maybe it means I need to let go of a few things, I don't know. What I do know is, these two are golden.

During today I realised a lot of things actually. I genuinely spent about two hours listening to miserable songs and looking out of a window, I dunno why.. maybe I was hoping for enlightenment, I dunno. I guess I got something out of it though.

I've said it thousands of times before, but there's nothing more valuable than honesty, well I think so anyway. So what I really don't get, is how people can just mysteriously "forget" things, "forget" that the plans were made by them not me. And quite frankly, if you are going to bail on me.. at least be honest about it. You cowardly mother fucker. Don't expect me to keep chasing after you, and don't come back crying to me. How does that song go? "Every time you call for sympathy, make it worth my while and cry your eyes out." Maybe a little harsh, but honestly I cry and get laughed at, whereas some people do and they get their foolish friends running after them. I'm done with that.

Now I'm not saying this means I'm done with the people who are involved in these situations, I'm just done with being their door matt. Sometimes all I need is a shoulder, and I don't even get that. So why should I grace them with my presence any more. Simple as that really.

Not really much else to say, just hurting today.. For too many reasons. And too many "important" people don't know, which makes it hurt just a little bit more. Not worth the energy or the head aches.

Ahhh well, it'll be right in the morning won't it. It always is after all.

[edit {2AM, 24th February 2011}: I've reread this, and I've come to the conclusion that it possibly was a slight over-reaction on my part, it usually is. I was just hurting. Sounds like I was talking about one person in particular, I wasn't. I was angry at the world.]

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Nearly a month.

Today I had a really interesting conversation with a good old friend o'mine. I've basically been whinging about all the foods I miss and would really love to eat. To be quite honest she raised a good point, and this is that for those who are doing it for a real reason, and by that I mean.. well real Vegans, there's a definite inspiration behind it. The fact that you are potentially cutting out your favourite foods doesn't matter, as you are being ethical and moral and all that. "Saving the Animals" or whatever. Unfortunately, as I've said many times, there are many aspects to the meat eating industry that are cruel and immoral and thing, but the thing is.. we aren't going to change the world.

I think there are possibly more constructive ways of changing this. Instead of abusing the industry.. maybe do something a little more proactive. I mean, I'm not purposely trying to sound like an insensitive uneducated twonk, but.. thing is these industries earn horrendous amount of money a lot of the time. So are they really going to be THAT bothered about a few opinionated people sending them a bit of hate mail or protesting. No, I really don't think they are. It's a bit similar to something me and another friend spoke about a few months a go, most people are very aware about the horrible things involved within, I hate that I keep calling it this, but the meat industry. But let's be honest for a minute, it's in human nature to be selfish and greedy. So are we going to put our bacon sandwiches down to spare a few pigs, or stop eating our cheesy pizza's just in case it turns out it is actually cruel to milk cows. I don't think so.

Now I've given this Vegan thing a go, and I'll be honest. It's been hard, and I've done it for a number of reasons. Firstly, I wanted to see how difficult it actually is.. and in all honesty I've come to realise just how much these people must care to sacrifice so much. Which is some what inspirational. Shame I'm not as morally superior as these people, because quite frankly I've ran out of reasons to keep doing this to myself. I've been playing it down a bit, but I have been exhausted some days. And I do really believe that it's due to my diet. I've been taking supplements and all sorts, but I suppose to some extent that's not enough. Problem I've come across is that in some ways, I do feel better. To some extent I feel good. It's hard to describe what I actually mean, but there have been good things about it. However, I think moderation is the key. If I ignore the morals and things, which in all honesty I'm too selfish not to, I think maybe the key is to not just entirely rely on vegetables and things, but also eat some meat. But I've realised just how much we eat meat, and it's a bit sickening really. I'm definitely going to have more meat-free meals than meaty! I'm staying off the milk for the most part though, as I've had way less stomach aches and sickness, so I think the best thing is to stay away from dairy filled things. Although having said that, I'm not going to never eat a cheesy pizza again as well I'm willing to put up with the pain for tastey things. I suppose that's just an example of the way society is built up, rather enjoy something than think about the consequences.

So the point is, really.. that after the Month mark I'm going to stop. Purely because I think it's unnecessary for me to go on. I do feel a bit bad for it, as well I think I could have done a bit longer just to see. But I've done longer than a lot of people would. And lessons have been learnt, I'm going to be part vegetarian, well not really. As I will most definitely be consuming animal products, just not as often as most people do. It's very unnecessary the amount of things that contain animals really. So yeah. blah blah blah to tired to keep typing..
Think I got my point across.. Well maybe!

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

OH NO!!!!

I ate bread.. that had animal product in earlier. Without even thinking, it had honey in...! I'm a failure. So gutted, even though I don't think honey should be included in it.. as it just seems ridiculous. But still. SO SO GUTTED. 3 weeks of nothing, well I think nothing.. and today.. I go and ruin it. BOO!!

Monday, 31 January 2011

Well I can see you're waiting, but I don't care.

To fill this whole place up with gasoline, and blow the top off this whole damn thing! Four Year Strong are mint, listen to them.

This post is long over due. I've been told by 3 people I need to post something, as it's been far too long. In all honesty I've been avoiding it a little bit, I'm struggling to find things to say about the Vegan-ness. Not only have I been struggling to find things to say, but I haven't really had the energy to be bothered to write anything. It takes much more effort than you'd think writing in here, but I'm here today.

First things first, as I've already said I've been lacking energy. Unfortunately I can't pin point exactly one reason why, as with many things in life, it's down to many different factors. Basically, it's that time of year where everyone is a bit drained and miserable. There's also the fact that I've been consuming way less caffeine than normal, this is because coffee really does taste like crap made with soya. Unless of course, you go to Starbucks.. But quite honestly, who can afford to do that on a daily basis? One last reason I might be tired, could I'm afraid be due to what I'm eating or, what I'm not eating.

I could actually bitch and moan all night about the negative things, but I'm not going to do that as there are positive things that have come out of this. I do actually feel better over all, despite the tiredness and lack of motivation in general, I've actually felt better. Most people that know me know how often I get stomach aches and pains, but since getting rid of meat and dairy most of those pains have gone away. Definitely willing to sacrifice cheese and things if it means I don't have to suffer those stomach aches!

Vegan food is a bit odd to some extent. They mix some the strangest things, one thing that I've eaten is cauliflower and mushroom curry. Now I feel I should mention that I actually quite dislike both cauliflower and curry, so obviously I thought very little of this meal. But I've tried other curry as well, and I've actually come to realise the main problem I had with curry was the chicken. I know that sounds a bit strange, as I like chicken any other way.. there was just something about it in curry that was just nasty! So I've tried a lot of different foods that I wouldn't have normally, that's definitely a positive to come out of this. I feel I'm going to be more willing to try new things, it's so easy to just stick to what's normal and quite silly really. I've never realised how much I'm missing out on new experiences really. Ha ha ha, how cliché does that sound? Well I don't care!

There's another reason I've decided to come on here, I just read something on the internet that actually quite annoyed me. It was posted by a Vegan, who to be honest may have many valid opinions. But to be frank, it's getting a bit too much for me, I keep seeing all these people post ridiculously over the top opinions here there and fucking everywhere. I've heard it said before and I'm going to repeat it, how do these people not realise if they weren't so aggressive with what they were saying people might actually listen to something they had to say. I'm not just saying Vegans are the only people in the world with strong opinions, me of all people know that's not true. But they seem to get themselves into huge debates for no reason, and when people try and argue an opposite side the Vegans are being "attacked", it's really frustrating. Another example of this would be say.. religious people. I'm not going to open that tin, as I don't really want to get myself into trouble, and I don't have a problem with religious people, hey I'd even say I'm a bit.. religious. What I think I'm trying to say is, I think it's really great that these people believe so strongly in something, and they want to fight it's cause every minute of every day. But is it really so difficult to do it without offending someone else? And how oblivious do you have to be, to not realise that sometimes it is your fault. I'm not aiming this at anyone I actually know, it's just.. I read a lot of stuff on the net and I get really angry at the utter bollocks people come out with.

So that's my story today! It's been exactly three weeks now and I'm doing okay. I even think even when I go back to meat eating, I may do it in a healthier way. We all know that eating things in moderation has to be the healthiest option.

I'm going to try to not neglect this blog... but I doubt I will.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Week 3

Well.. Still going strong. Still alive, though I seem to be very tired a lot of the time. Still living. Feeling like I'm neglecting the blog.. Not that it matters. But I feel like I'm failing myself. All I have to say is I'm still alive!

Thursday, 20 January 2011

Things are looking up, oh finally!

I've realise I only ever write on here when I'm feeling a bit moany. Which entirely defeats the point, well..sort of. So I've come on here to talk about my good mood. I'm in a good, happy, not hungry mood! Would you believe it. Man, I've been eating all sorts of awesome foods. I've been surprised at how tastey things actually are. Tofu is really actually quite nice, convinced it's because I'm so hungry but who cares. Vegan Chicken burgers are really tastey as well, they taste just like real chicken burgers. That's all I have to say really, in a rate mint mood. Despite the fact I've got an exam on Friday I'm not in the slightest bit ready for.

OH! I've had requests to mention people on here. Tonight I'm going to talk about the ridiculous questions you get asked while embarking on a Vegan Adventure. Most of the things are obvious questions, you know "what can ya eat doeee?" or "aren't you getting cravings for things like sweets, I'd find it really 'ard?" Well not really mate, just mainly chocolate. My favourite question though was from my mate Lucy, now Lucy is a bright one. Well, bright could be the wrong word.. She's very clever, however she lacks what we call "common sense". Point is Lucy asked the best question ever, "this might be a stupid question, but can you eat potatoes?" haha! Not even lying. And on that note, I think it's bed time.

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Slightly drunken post.. oh dearrrr.

I ordered a "vegan starter pack" from the Vegan Society about a week a go, I got it just in time for the start of my quest. However I was utterly disappointed as, if I am to be Frank, who I am most certainly not but if I were, I would say, shite. Utter shite. It's a good job I already knew bits about nutrition and vitamins and those sorts of things. This "Starter pack" was full of reason why I should become a Vegan, now the average person who was going to order that already has reasons for wanting to be a Vegan, why the hell upset them by showing them out of date material about animal rights. I'm not ever going to say Animals shouldn't have rights, I'm not that much of a bastard. But for goodness sakes, they have far more rights than these bloody people are claiming. You tell me that it's cruel to milk a cow, I'm going to tell you to go and talk to an educated farmer or something. I'm bias I know, as one of my most favourite people is from a dairy farming family, and I've been told by her about these things. To be honest I trust her. I know that there are going to be things that maybe could be seen as "wrong" and I'll probably agree, but saying that it's cruelty to that extent.. it's just moronic. Now after that big rant there I'm thinking to myself "oh for goodness sakes why are you taking part in this, if you don't believe in it?", the answer is I'm not quite sure. But I'd like to think it's worth something. Anyway, my original point was that today I've received another "Vegan starter pack" this one was ordered by another friend of mine. And I have to say, it's brilliant. Much more useful than the one sent by the Vegan Society. It's telling me all sorts of helpful information which I'm quite happily reading through. I guess my point is, some Vegans are really useful. And some are far too busy cramming their opinions down my throat for me to appreciate what they have to say.

On another very unrelated note, while slightly related I suppose. I realise how my opinions make me a bad person today. A good friend was telling me some stories and I was just sat there and it made me realise that people who are more pathetic than me genuinely make me feel angry. It's sad, because I may not even know them and I'm getting angry because they are being pathetic. Really hoping I can let go of all my negativity towards people. Maybe start feeling sorry for people for digging themselves into holes and things, rather than getting angry for bringing it on themselves. It's pathetic of me really. Well, they do say you dislike the features other people have that you see in yourself.

I got given a piece of Vegan Chocolate today, it made my day. As well as being a bit... drunk. 
That's the update for today I think. I'm not going to even read through it and correct my mistakes.. it's far too much effort. I hope there aren't too many though!

Thursday, 13 January 2011

Day 4

I'm hungry and irritable! And I really really want some chocolate, and I really really want my friends back. Having a really "feel sorry for self" kind of day, So what's knew? Nothing, I've just not had a tasty food day! Comes to something when having breakfast for cereal is the most exciting meal you have all day. Blaaah.

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Day two.

Okay, so we're day two of the journey and already I'm missing things. Not the obvious things like bacon or anything like that. Silly things, like butter on my toast in the morning. Although in absolutely all honesty I'm in smoothie/fruit heaven, and there's something quite beautiful about watching folks faces whilst taking a sip of the lovely smoothie which looks ever so slightly like vomit! I always find things like that ridiculous, it's not them that's drinking it so what's the problem?! One thing I did notice today was whilst watching someone take a nibble out of their Aero chocolate bar I was mighty jealous! Mighty mighty jealous! There is a lot of chocolate that's suitable but seriously am I really going to pay £4 for that short pleasure? I don't think so. I'd rather suffer. One thing I am looking forward to is getting some Dr Pepper tomorrow, apparently that's Vegan friendly, I think I'll give it a go! Why give up on all the things I love. Coffee has been ruined for me, mum made me a coffee this morning and put some Soya milk in it.. It was disgusting. It didn't curdle or anything like that, it was just nasty tasting. Think I'm going to stick with black and sweet or none at all. Water seems to be treating me good anyway. haha

Conclusion? Day two of Veganism, it's not so bad. Could be worse! Not really sure how long I'll be able to keep it up. But we'll see.

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Tomorrow it starts.

Went shopping with Dad today, honestly got shit loads of food. It's outrageous how much fruit I've managed to fit into one fruit bowl. Who knows how well I'll cope with this, but that's the point isn't it! Setting myself some sort of goal so I can actually achieve something and find out just how strong I am. Worried it's not going to last, and that I'm going to fail in the first day.. Honestly I'd like to think I have little more inner strength than that. I've been binging on my favourite meats and things today, possibly not a good thing as it means tomorrow I'm more likely to think to myself "Oh I really fancy a bacon Sammich", haha. As it happens that's what I'm going to have for tea, along with a cuppa coffee with the lovely milk! Man, I hate the Soya crap in my coffee, I'm going black I think. Black with lots of sugar! Get ready for a very hyper Jenny!

Anyway, I've found some of the oddest things are vegan friendly. Peanut butter, who'd have thought?! And some of the most ridiculous things they refuse to eat, flaming HONEY! Really?! Seriously! Maybe I'm just living in stupid world or something, but I really didn't expect that. I sense that I'm going to be eating some rather interesting meals as well as the boring old beans on toast. Everyone will see me with a lovely home made smoothie in one hand and in the other there will be carrot and celery sticks. I'll definitely be dipping too.

From tomorrow I think I'll be doing daily posts (well within reason).. Whinging about how hungry I am or about my cravings for meats and things!

Prepare for even more irritableness.

Friday, 7 January 2011

I never said that I didn't need you.

Figures for this to be accurate I can't just only write when I feel bad or.. when I'm actually eating dodgy. Else it's not a very good estimate of how I've "changed" or what ever. So I'm here writing again. Feels a bit silly but what the hell? Shall we just go for it? Been feeling a bit sicky/poorly/weird for a few days now. Not sure when it's going to stop.. I'm used to having a fairly dodge stomach by now but.. I dunno, it's not the same as usual. Just to make sure the point is there, I do in fact get unwell on a regular basis normally!!

I've not really been great for about a week. Been thinking about everything and it just makes things so much more difficult. Usually, I'm quite a happy kind of person. At least I'd like to think I am. We have a rule in our family, I'm not usually the best at sticking to it but hey! So what's the rule? "Always keep a stiff upper lip." Not the best philosophy to live by but I'm sure most people have some fairly flawed ways of living. More recently it's been harder to do that, the littlest things make me want to cry, it's like I cracked one day and ever since the small things get to me. That'd be fine but the bigger things get to me too. The bigger things are having too much of an affect on me at the moment too, honestly I think I'm just a moody and emotional blob!

MEH! I give it a week and I'll be back to my usual self again! Well, I should think not! I'll be having some right weird eating habbits. Apparently I have to eat properly for it to be "healthy", meaning I have to have three actual meals a day. I don't think I've done that for years! Although it should mean less snacking.. But then what do vegans even snack on? Bloody pickled onions and crackers?! I don't think I'm going to be doing that. So three meals a day does sound pretty sweet. Come to think of it, I should probably stop writing on here and find out what I can actually eat, else it's going to be a very hungry month or so!

Now, I'm going to stop using this place to whinge! It's not what it was created for.. Well it was a bit. But not to the extent I've been doing it. So I shall hush with the whinging and get on with.. everything else.

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Moaning before it starts!

So I'm thinking that I should probably set a start date for this vegan thing, but if I'm completely honest.. I'm absolutely shitting it. Excuse the choice of words, but I've always prided myself on my honesty, so there will be no skipping around the subject I'm afraid. It's not the only reason I've put off setting a date. I've been researching vegan alternatives and seeing if much of what I already eat is vegan, no surprises really, very little of my diet is vegan! For goodness sakes even alcohol is difficult. I'm really starting to find serious respect for people that live their everyday like it! It's tiring just trying to find the correct food. But I'm not going to let this put me off, it's just not the way I am.

One of the main reasons I've come on here is to moan really. I figure it's fairly important as when I actually start eating differently people will be very ready to blame my anger and general sadness on the fact I'm "not eating properly". So it's quarter past two and I'm struggling to sleep, not only because I didn't get up until a ridiculous time today, but my head is just full of worry and anger and just general.. buzzing. More recently I've become more aware of a loss of a friend. It's not necessary important who this friend is, so we won't mention any names or anything. I'm not going to slag them off...actually that's a lie, I might. This friend let me down.. and quite honestly I've found myself getting attached to people a lot more recently and I'm thinking that it's largely to do with that. I know that friendship takes effort from two parts, so I know that it's partly my fault too. But "I promise I won't leave" seems like a pretty set in stone thing, you know? And that promise has been well and truly broken. Possibly along with my trust in general, I don't know. All I really know is I'm finding it hard to let go of this. If it was just a randomer it'd be easier, but we are too closely tied (is that the right phrase?), it's not like I can delete this person out of my life. To some extent I don't even want to. So this is what's upsetting me tonight/this morning.

Stressed. Why am I stressed? Now this one is my fault, there's no one else I can possibly throw the blame at for this one. Two words: University application. For people that have already done it, surely these words bring back some anxiety? Like the word's "driving test" for a driver? Anyway, the deadline is in.. ten days I think. And I feel like I've got none of it done. Now that's not actually the case. I have got some of the way through the process but my I am pooing myself. Got exams soon too, which I am 100% sure I'm going to absolutely fail. It's just what happens. You'd have thought after all the failing I've done in life I'd be used to it by now. Nope. Not one bit.

So the conclusion?
  • I need to set a date for this vegan stuff. I'm thinking.. Monday the Tenth. Hopefully.
  • Even whilst having a "stable diet", my moods are more than unstable
  • I really need to get on with this application/revision/coursework.