Thursday, 24 February 2011

These are the thoughts that are on my mind, moments that haven't yet been defined.

You know what you spend so much time with someone and you start feeling what they feel. No me neither, but I have noticed that sometimes when my friends hurt, I seem to feel a bit sad for them. Not quite sure how to explain this one. But well one of my friends seemed a bit upset tonight, and I just wanted to... take her pain away.. and then once I'd left I started feeling sad.. for no reason other than because she was. It's getting a bit sad really. Sad in a pathetic way, not an upset way! By that I mean me, not her.

I went through texts on my old phone the other day, my god was that a mistake! After seeing them I started to realise that a break down of friendship was as much my fault as someone else's. But I suppose..I just wanted to believe it was all their fault. I imagine this person would know who I was talking about if they read this, so just in case I'd like to apologise, just for blaming you entirely. I've realised, I did make it awkward too. I've no way to justify this, I was just hurting and was taking it out on you, cos you were the closest person. I guess I blamed you for the hurt too. Wish we could go back to how things were back then, when we used to talk and it used to flow. It'll never be the same though, sounds dramatic.. but too much has changed. I'm just sorry.

My eyes are close to sleep I just felt like I needed to write these thoughts down. This is why I used this title to the blog, not only is it one of my favourite songs but it expresses how I feel perfectly at the moment.
I've written it down because it seemed so hard to say it.

Friday, 18 February 2011

That happy feeling,,

that's there.. even when you say bye.

Still not sleeping too well. This is probably made obvious by the fact it's ya know.. quarter past two. I'm not phased, I know I'm going to drag myself out of bed for the world of education tomorrow morning. Learning is most favouritist! That's not 100% true, but it's alright. Especially with the teachers I have. They just make things so interesting. This is probably the happiest I've been in.. well at least a week. I was going to say two then, but I remembered how I felt quite happy for a few hours on Saturday night. Honestly, I have some of the best friends. Definitely feel a bit dorky writing this, especially as it's for no one but me really. But it's a bit of release, and if I'm lucky, by the time I'm finished rambling on I'll be about ready to sleep..hopefully.

Went to London yesterday, it hurts me to say it, but I've actually come to quite like certain things about that place. I don't like the tube, in fact I really do dislike it a lot. But I'm willing to endure the pain of being down there, if in turn I get to see pretty things. Oh the reason we got taken there was for a 6th form trip, basically they have no money. But some how get given a shed load of money for ridiculous activities that are supposedly 'beneficial' to our education. This may have been true if they forced us to see things which were related to our chosen A-levels. However, they are foolish and did not. I chose to go to the Science Museum and the Tate Modern.

The day didn't go as planned, as ever with our sham of a school. But it was okay, we got to see somethings. So how many things didn't go to plan? Far too many. As always with our London trips, traffic was horrendous, meaning that we were running about an hour and a half late. We can deal with that it's fine.. but obviously it took far too long to get to the Science Museum, which was supposed to be our 'Morning activity', by this time it was about ten to one... maybe? I'm not 100% sure on the times. But we basically got to spend about 50 minutes in there. And everyone knows to do any museum in London properly you really need to spend all day in there, and for it to be worth the visit at least a few hours. We basically.. wasted time going there. But it's okay, I now know that it's a place worth going properly, and probably will treat myself to a trip there one day. Okay so in between our trip to the Science Museum was a trip to Covent Garden for some lunch, which was a bit.. well pointless. It was a bit more time wasting. Not much to say about that, but eventually we set off from there to go to the Tate.

Now, my favourite thing about the entire day was walking across a bridge which I think was the Millennium Bridge. Never thought I'd say this about any part of London, but it was quite beautiful. I discovered I'd quite like to go back there too. As I walked across it I felt inspired. Which is so 'gay', but honestly I did. Unfortunately at the end of the bridge I came to a most pretentious place, now I'm not completely closed minded, but serious some of the shit they can call art. I appreciated a few things in there, but the bullshit they can come up with and call art makes me a bit frustrated. Only because anyone could do it. One piece was called "Mirror on Canvas", I'm pretty sure you can guess what it was. As I walked past I couldn't help but laugh to myself at the ridiculousness of it all. One particular piece of 'art' I was quite 'moved' by or what ever these folks say was a piece called "Incommunicado" by  Mona Hatoum. It was still a bit pretentious in all honesty. But I liked that it made me feel something. Basically, it's a metal cot, nothing wrong with that right? Well this resembled a prison cell which is odd enough, but then the bottom of it instead of there being poles where you'd lay the mattress, there was cheese wire. If that's not cold enough, it's in a room which is practically empty, which gave me a terrible sense of loneliness. I wasn't really sure what all this was about, so obviously I went and read the little board that tells me how I'm supposed to interpret it, was quite interesting really. Apparently all these thing suggest child abuse.

Stolen straight off the Tate Modern website, hope they don't mind. Yeah, so basically my point was, it's full of pretentious crap. Evidently I don't appreciate these things because I'm not an 'arty' person. Sometimes I'm a bit gutted about that, have no creativity and all that. But I dunno, maybe it's a good thing.

Anyway, after traipsing around London yesterday after I'd got up at half past 6 I got home shattered. It's the only way to describe it. So come 12 I was asleep, and my was it a good sleep. Deepest sleep I've had for a long time, so deep I woke up in a state of confusion. I spent my entire morning believing it was Wednesday. It wasn't until I'd been at school for half an hour and was about to go to my lesson, that I realised it wasn't actually Wednesday and was actually Thursday. Now this wouldn't be so bad, but on a Thursday I have one lesson all day, my teacher had already told us on Tuesday he wasn't going to be there as he was on a course. So basically, I went to 6th form for no reason today, I even stayed there until 3. Ridiculousness. It was okay though, today has been a good day, the best day I've had for a bit. I've had a few moments of being a bit "blerghh", but they quickly past and I got a grip. So all in all, good.

Now it's nearly 3 (obviously spent far too long writing this.) and I should really be getting to sleep else I'll be very tired and grumpy tomorrow. Hopefully it'll be as good as today, or even better. I hope it's better. Some good news would be great! Let's hope ay!

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

I cannot let you inside my cell for fear i'll sink the ship and drag us both down.

I can't sleep. It's a common thing these days, it's pretty poor. Not exactly the healthiest soul at the moment, I'd love to blame that on the month of Veganism, but I think it's pure coincidence! Unlucky you narrow minded carnivores! haha

I had a miserable day today, not 100% why, but I did come to release I spend too much time being a good friend to a few people who possibly (in fact, I'm 98% sure.) wouldn't do the same for me. Surprisingly, the two people that seemed to actually be bothered I was upset today were people I wouldn't necessarily call my closest friends, maybe that means I need to have a closer look at those people I call buddies. Maybe it means I need to let go of a few things, I don't know. What I do know is, these two are golden.

During today I realised a lot of things actually. I genuinely spent about two hours listening to miserable songs and looking out of a window, I dunno why.. maybe I was hoping for enlightenment, I dunno. I guess I got something out of it though.

I've said it thousands of times before, but there's nothing more valuable than honesty, well I think so anyway. So what I really don't get, is how people can just mysteriously "forget" things, "forget" that the plans were made by them not me. And quite frankly, if you are going to bail on me.. at least be honest about it. You cowardly mother fucker. Don't expect me to keep chasing after you, and don't come back crying to me. How does that song go? "Every time you call for sympathy, make it worth my while and cry your eyes out." Maybe a little harsh, but honestly I cry and get laughed at, whereas some people do and they get their foolish friends running after them. I'm done with that.

Now I'm not saying this means I'm done with the people who are involved in these situations, I'm just done with being their door matt. Sometimes all I need is a shoulder, and I don't even get that. So why should I grace them with my presence any more. Simple as that really.

Not really much else to say, just hurting today.. For too many reasons. And too many "important" people don't know, which makes it hurt just a little bit more. Not worth the energy or the head aches.

Ahhh well, it'll be right in the morning won't it. It always is after all.

[edit {2AM, 24th February 2011}: I've reread this, and I've come to the conclusion that it possibly was a slight over-reaction on my part, it usually is. I was just hurting. Sounds like I was talking about one person in particular, I wasn't. I was angry at the world.]

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Nearly a month.

Today I had a really interesting conversation with a good old friend o'mine. I've basically been whinging about all the foods I miss and would really love to eat. To be quite honest she raised a good point, and this is that for those who are doing it for a real reason, and by that I mean.. well real Vegans, there's a definite inspiration behind it. The fact that you are potentially cutting out your favourite foods doesn't matter, as you are being ethical and moral and all that. "Saving the Animals" or whatever. Unfortunately, as I've said many times, there are many aspects to the meat eating industry that are cruel and immoral and thing, but the thing is.. we aren't going to change the world.

I think there are possibly more constructive ways of changing this. Instead of abusing the industry.. maybe do something a little more proactive. I mean, I'm not purposely trying to sound like an insensitive uneducated twonk, but.. thing is these industries earn horrendous amount of money a lot of the time. So are they really going to be THAT bothered about a few opinionated people sending them a bit of hate mail or protesting. No, I really don't think they are. It's a bit similar to something me and another friend spoke about a few months a go, most people are very aware about the horrible things involved within, I hate that I keep calling it this, but the meat industry. But let's be honest for a minute, it's in human nature to be selfish and greedy. So are we going to put our bacon sandwiches down to spare a few pigs, or stop eating our cheesy pizza's just in case it turns out it is actually cruel to milk cows. I don't think so.

Now I've given this Vegan thing a go, and I'll be honest. It's been hard, and I've done it for a number of reasons. Firstly, I wanted to see how difficult it actually is.. and in all honesty I've come to realise just how much these people must care to sacrifice so much. Which is some what inspirational. Shame I'm not as morally superior as these people, because quite frankly I've ran out of reasons to keep doing this to myself. I've been playing it down a bit, but I have been exhausted some days. And I do really believe that it's due to my diet. I've been taking supplements and all sorts, but I suppose to some extent that's not enough. Problem I've come across is that in some ways, I do feel better. To some extent I feel good. It's hard to describe what I actually mean, but there have been good things about it. However, I think moderation is the key. If I ignore the morals and things, which in all honesty I'm too selfish not to, I think maybe the key is to not just entirely rely on vegetables and things, but also eat some meat. But I've realised just how much we eat meat, and it's a bit sickening really. I'm definitely going to have more meat-free meals than meaty! I'm staying off the milk for the most part though, as I've had way less stomach aches and sickness, so I think the best thing is to stay away from dairy filled things. Although having said that, I'm not going to never eat a cheesy pizza again as well I'm willing to put up with the pain for tastey things. I suppose that's just an example of the way society is built up, rather enjoy something than think about the consequences.

So the point is, really.. that after the Month mark I'm going to stop. Purely because I think it's unnecessary for me to go on. I do feel a bit bad for it, as well I think I could have done a bit longer just to see. But I've done longer than a lot of people would. And lessons have been learnt, I'm going to be part vegetarian, well not really. As I will most definitely be consuming animal products, just not as often as most people do. It's very unnecessary the amount of things that contain animals really. So yeah. blah blah blah to tired to keep typing..
Think I got my point across.. Well maybe!

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

OH NO!!!!

I ate bread.. that had animal product in earlier. Without even thinking, it had honey in...! I'm a failure. So gutted, even though I don't think honey should be included in it.. as it just seems ridiculous. But still. SO SO GUTTED. 3 weeks of nothing, well I think nothing.. and today.. I go and ruin it. BOO!!