Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Moaning before it starts!

So I'm thinking that I should probably set a start date for this vegan thing, but if I'm completely honest.. I'm absolutely shitting it. Excuse the choice of words, but I've always prided myself on my honesty, so there will be no skipping around the subject I'm afraid. It's not the only reason I've put off setting a date. I've been researching vegan alternatives and seeing if much of what I already eat is vegan, no surprises really, very little of my diet is vegan! For goodness sakes even alcohol is difficult. I'm really starting to find serious respect for people that live their everyday like it! It's tiring just trying to find the correct food. But I'm not going to let this put me off, it's just not the way I am.

One of the main reasons I've come on here is to moan really. I figure it's fairly important as when I actually start eating differently people will be very ready to blame my anger and general sadness on the fact I'm "not eating properly". So it's quarter past two and I'm struggling to sleep, not only because I didn't get up until a ridiculous time today, but my head is just full of worry and anger and just general.. buzzing. More recently I've become more aware of a loss of a friend. It's not necessary important who this friend is, so we won't mention any names or anything. I'm not going to slag them off...actually that's a lie, I might. This friend let me down.. and quite honestly I've found myself getting attached to people a lot more recently and I'm thinking that it's largely to do with that. I know that friendship takes effort from two parts, so I know that it's partly my fault too. But "I promise I won't leave" seems like a pretty set in stone thing, you know? And that promise has been well and truly broken. Possibly along with my trust in general, I don't know. All I really know is I'm finding it hard to let go of this. If it was just a randomer it'd be easier, but we are too closely tied (is that the right phrase?), it's not like I can delete this person out of my life. To some extent I don't even want to. So this is what's upsetting me tonight/this morning.

Stressed. Why am I stressed? Now this one is my fault, there's no one else I can possibly throw the blame at for this one. Two words: University application. For people that have already done it, surely these words bring back some anxiety? Like the word's "driving test" for a driver? Anyway, the deadline is in.. ten days I think. And I feel like I've got none of it done. Now that's not actually the case. I have got some of the way through the process but my I am pooing myself. Got exams soon too, which I am 100% sure I'm going to absolutely fail. It's just what happens. You'd have thought after all the failing I've done in life I'd be used to it by now. Nope. Not one bit.

So the conclusion?
  • I need to set a date for this vegan stuff. I'm thinking.. Monday the Tenth. Hopefully.
  • Even whilst having a "stable diet", my moods are more than unstable
  • I really need to get on with this application/revision/coursework. 

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